As I sit with a glass of red wine (which tastes so damn weird for some reason) and my laptop, I struggle to find words for what I feel right now. You don’t know how much thought I have given to whether I should write something like this on my blog or not. After a series of nos from my brain, I decided that I should write about what I feel at the moment and it is the best time AND state of mind (I’m slightly tipsy) to do so.
Have you ever felt like everything in your life is falling apart? You must have unless you’re in that ‘zen’ state of mine! It feels like everything I do is just not good enough for people. I take a lot of stress, I eat wayyyy too much and I bottle up an insane amount of feelings and for too long. This is toxic, believe me. Everyone has good and bad days, after all, life is a series of ups and downs, right? But lately, everything seems to be going down the hill for me. I am seriously sick and tired of this exhaustion. I feel mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, ALL the time. It’s high time I do something about it.
I think the major credit of my sleepless nights, endless irritation with the people and the world in general, and chronic headaches go to my work life. See, I know what my problem is but I don’t want to find an answer to that. I sometimes think I like to be the victim and gain sympathy from people. I am a sadist who loves watching herself going through all these difficulties. I am turning into one crazy person, believe me.
I meditate because I think a hyper person like me should do something like this to keep in control. I have no ‘in between’, I’m either excited about everything or I’m sad with my very existence. It shouldn’t be like this. Everything needs to have a balance in your life. Unfortunately, because of my sleepless nights, I have not been able to meditate for last three weeks and clearly, people can see the difference.
Today a friend of mine told me that I looked calm and composed even during stressful conditions at work when I used to meditate (and here I was thinking, it was all going to waste. Guess, good things need some time for you to see the effect). Now if I look back and think about it, yes, I’ve noticed a negative change in me over the last 2-3 weeks.
But I’ve vowed to make it all back to normal. I don’t want to be a person who is fragile, goes crazy under pressure and can’t say NO to people. I’ve been so stressed because of work that sometimes all I want to do is pull my hair and scream till the problems go away.
A very wise friend of mine once said to me, “Always think that nothing can go wrong with you. Not everything is in our hands but if something happens, just thin – it is what it is. Be calm, fearless and empowered.”
And this is what I plan on doing, starting now. I don’t want to feel annoyed, irritated and helpless because someone said something to me, or someone didn’t text me back. Honestly, these are petty things and all of us need to let go of them because these little things are toxic for our mind and body.
The year is about to end and I don’t want to feel like I haven’t done anything this year. Because I have made a strong and conscious decision of letting things go and be a stronger and a better person who lives in the present who learns from the past and doesn’t worry much about the future.
PS: For anyone who’s reading it and feel like you are going through the same things in life, just believe in yourself and don’t let anybody make you feel small, because honestly, they aren’t worth it!